Do I Regret?
At the very first time I decided to take the chance my heart said : if you couldn’t make it, never ever cry! I don’t know why I felt I can’t make it. Those all too good to be true. Even I can’t make it, I kept trying and hope for the best. Stubborn. Yes, I am.
And I keep my promise to not cry over this failure.
Many months ago...
Rain always be the moment I waited the most all day. While the raindrops fall on earth, I immediately make a dialogue in my mind with God. Dear Allah, for this time, even everything too perfect to be true, let me run into it. Let me make him a part of my life's story and let him be the closing part in every words I want to write. Please allow me. There’s nothing impossible for You.
Day by day, passed many twilights (I’m grateful no need to pass hundreds of twilight), no matter how hard I survived, like it or not, the hopes went so high. I wouldn’t expect too much from him, but I expected so much from God. Like a little girl who expected her father to buy her a candy. My hope is too simple while God Is The Greatest. There must be a better thing for me. Not what I want but what I need.
I really know someday I have to stop because it wasn’t right. It wasn’t rigth if every day you more concerned to why-I-eat-instant-noodle-so-often-at-my-office than to concern to our negligence to pray. I know it wasn’t right if every day we more concerned to what-will-happen-to-us-if-we-have-to end-the-fight than to worry what happen to us if Allah want to end our story.
I actually didn’t like you when you said you’re afraid. Afraid of the distance, afraid of the separation, afraid of losing. Don’t you realize that we’ve had the distance? That we’re already apart? Don’t you think that we never having each other? We just spending our time by talking about our dreams without having the courage to make it real. I don’t like your fears but I’m afraid too, hence I can’t say : stop being afraid because that’s not worth to afraid of.
At that time, once again, my heart said, stop it. You don’t go anywhere. He can’t bring you through this. If you insisted, you have to be a strong woman first to help him.
I give way to you and throw away my ego. Two things which easy to say but I need to try so hard to do that. And hey! I can make it. I turned to someone else, not the way I am. I’m not a stubborn woman anymore, I didn’t force, I’m not self-righteous, and I’m not selfish anymore. Suddenly I became a woman who give way easily, forgive easily, and I didn’t mind to sacrifice. Is it me? Is it really me? Is it who I want to be?
My heart said it again, stop it or you’ll regret it.
And yes, I regret it. I regret why I didn’t try harder. I regret why I turn back to who I was. Me with my ego, stubborn and hard to forgive.
A lesson. Really really a hard lesson.
Sometimes no matter how many prayers we pray, or how many tears we shed, or how many hearts get broken, Allah says no because Allah has a better way and answer.
Allah breaks you to build you. Deprives you to give you. This pain was created to make you learn for the life. And when you can walk through all of this pain and hurt, you’ll never be the same person. You’ve grown up to a better person.
Do I regret? Not at all. Really.
And if I had the third chance, I don’t really want it. But if I got that chance, I’ll make sure we try in the right way :)
Thank you for the incredible journey